An open letter: Galleria Quinceañeras

Dear Quinceañera, damas and chambelanes,

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand it. I felt someone has to say something because surely, no one is.

Why in the world are you and your “court” going dressed up walking around The Galleria in your dresses and terrible suits? I understand you have time to kill, seeing as the church services were earlier in the day and the dance hall on Harwin (aka El Salon) isn’t available for your party until 9pm because the bbq function currently in progress doesn’t end until 7, but there are other ways to kill time. In fact, I went ahead and made a list of things you should not do:

1. Go to the galleria.

Yeah, see that wasn’t that bad of a list was it? At this point, I totally wouldn’t judge you if you went to Red Lobster right after the church service (ok actually I would, especially since your tia sitting at the end of the table is stuffing the cheddar biscuits in her purse like there’s a black market for them. Someone should tell her she can get a box).  Heck, old school Exhilarama at Memorial City is a better option if it was still there.

"Excuse me, waiter? More biscuits please. My purse ate them all so quick!"

Look, all I’m saying is, as a Hispanic you’re terribly embarrassing to me and the rest of us around you. Eating at McDonald’s in the food court doesn’t really celebrate the coming of age/becoming an adult like one would really want to. It comes off so ghetto even ridiculous LULAC doesn’t want to go anywhere near defending your choice of options (I have no proof of that). The super fresas (see: daddy’s girl, mama’s boy, typically rich, snobby) shopping from Mexico are laughing their ass off. I’m tired of having to tell people that The Galleria walkathon y’all do is not traditionally part of the ceremony. I’m at the point where I just say, “Oh who knows, they don’t do that in Mexico. They may be Central American”…which I’m not making up cause you could be? Hopefully?

Just find better options to kill time until el salon is ready for your party. You won’t be any less cool if you hang out at home and wait. At least this way you can sit in your new 1997 Ford Mustang bought from a car dealer on Shepherd–which by the way your dad got a really good price for it because the guy at the dealer was a Tigres fan and seeing as your dad is a Rayados fan, the dealer promised $2,000 off if your dad would burn his Rayados hat, which he did. (see: Mexican soccer rivalry ala Yankees/Mets).

¡Chicas! ¡Chicas! Por favor, save it for after the game!

For your sake and ours, I prefer to watch MTV Tres on tv, not while shopping. Actually, I hate anything MTV sooo…whatever.

Tu Amigo,

Felipe